In Praise of OG Anunoby’s Stifling Defense

OG Anunoby thieves. This guy takes. He is here to wreck plans, to pocket-snatch and run off with the offense’s belongings. On the prowl for that genuine Horween. OG the bandit. OG the desperado. OG the pillaging dromaeosaurid. A real workaholic. Always on the job, guarding the other team’s best player, unleashing his quiet hell. Anunoby raids offenses. Constructs roving no-dribble zones. He inhales his assignments, his on-ball defense a monument to incarceration. He’s not the warden. He’s the walls.

Below are some of his defensive highlights. A few tips on how to enhance the viewing experience:

1. Dress like a buccaneer, a swashbuckler, really any marauder. Woolen breeches, maybe a shirt stolen from a ship you just plundered. Potential accessories: knives, daggers, axes, halberts, spontoons, swords (not a cutlass, cutlasses are pretentious unless made of lava—get something rad like a machete), matchlock muskets, flintlock pistols, gold hoop earrings, tricornes, bandanas, skull rings, eye patches, a parrot. The parrot should be real. If the bird’s fake, so are you.
2. Build a small flyboat or pinnace. Name it The Silent Killer. Paint it red.
3. Sit inside. Recite thrice The Defender’s Creed: Gimme that. Gimme that. Gimme that.
4. Smoke a cigarette. Do it the way Sam Shepard demanded Fool for Love be performed—relentlessly, without a break. Think about the people you love and those who have wronged them.
5. A shot of Crown Royal and watch Werner Herzog listen to the Grizzly Man tape.
6. Slap yourself in the face.
7. Call yourself beautiful.
8. Turn on the fog machine and tattoo cobras on your chest. Two at minimum. No more than seven. Use blood from cobras you’ve killed. If the blood’s fake, so are you.
9. Another shot of Crown. Punch a shark. Paint it red.
10. Turn on lasers (we recommend variance free for smaller setups).
11. Think about those who have wronged you.
12. Three more shots of Crown. Powerbomb a bull. Paint it red.
13. Slap yourself in the face.
14. Call yourself beautiful.
15. Turn on “Ante Up.”
16. Scream “Take minks off” and suplex a lion. Paint it red.
17. Slap yourself in the face.
18. Call yourself beautiful.
19. Light your hair on fire.
20. Press play.

Mike Judge once said, “Stealing, you’ll go far in life. Actually, there’s something funny about getting away with it.” Anunoby has taken these words to heart. At times he guards like he can see the future. Get sloppy in his vicinity and you’re cooked. He treats the unprepared with the utmost And where do you think you’re going?

The do-everything forward, as of Tuesday afternoon, leads the league in steals at 2.4 a game. Racking up takeaways doesn’t automatically make someone a good defender—thoughtless gambling can kill a defense—but Anunoby’s not just about the steals, not just solid on ball. He’s ravenous off it, keeps hunting for possession. Anunoby is brutal and multidimensional. Has been for years. His…