Club Wembley confessions: Champagne football, prawn platters and David Baddiel

I was best man at my friend Mark’s wedding last year, which gave me the opportunity to tell a story about when he attempted to bring a newly bought 150ml bottle of aftershave onto a plane in 2018, only to be stopped by security at Manchester Airport.

His response was to try to apply 50ml onto his person as quickly as possible — not an insignificant amount, as he found out.

I looked into the sunken eyes of a few Chelsea supporters on Sunday, but none of them appeared as sad, embarrassed and beaten as Mark did six years ago. Admittedly, he also smelt very good and as we embraced at the final whistle at Wembley, I am pretty sure I was able to identify a lingering whiff of Diesel Only the Brave.

Mark has always liked nice things, so when I told him I’d been offered two tickets at Club Wembley for the Carabao Cup final, he was very excited.

Me? I was unsure. I had never experienced corporate hospitality before. It’s not really my thing, as all of the people who have enjoyed telling me I’ve “sold out” can testify.

And Club Wembley isn’t just any posh seats. It’s possibly the most derided executive section of any stadium in the country, particularly in those moments just after half-time in big games when it remains half-empty as customers are too busy quaffing Champagne.

But after the near-disaster of Paris for the 2022 Champions League final, when supporters were treated like contestants in Squid Game, the idea of a free pass that included drink, food and a safe passage to a comfortable seat could ultimately not be resisted.

There was also the bonus of actually being able to watch a final next to a person I’ve known since 1995, which as he likes to say, is as long as Everton’s wait for a trophy.

That said, there was — for Mark, at least — good and bad news when our tickets came through by email last Wednesday.

The good? That would be our invitation to the Laurent-Perrier bar and the chance to consume as much of the sponsor’s product as we wanted.

The bad? For Mark, a certified gastronomic fusspot since he was a young child, that would be a menu made up almost entirely of fish.

Anyway, forget prawn sandwiches — this was the serious stuff. To start, there were smoked salmon and prawn tartlets, along with smoked salmon bagels with tartare and chives. Then came a seafood platter which included more “classic” smoked salmon, freshwater tiger prawns and crayfish, as well as a mango salad with lemon garnish.

Not exactly your standard football fare… (Simon Hughes/The Athletic)

It was all delicious, although any personal pleasure was enhanced by the sight of Mark, just in front of me, focusing absolutely on his bread and furiously buttering it, before, somewhat sadly, asking for seconds.

I must stress, Club Wembley cannot be blamed for Mark being picky. Guests at other tables were enjoying menus that included meat and the staff throughout the day could not have been more accommodating. Yet, I suspect Mark felt it…